ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
