I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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