This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
