I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
