I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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