Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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