I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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