final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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