So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
