I'm going to jail i love you
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
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I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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