So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
