i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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