mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
