Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
