if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
