I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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