was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
