he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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