It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
