his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
