Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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