I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
this will be a night to untag.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
