I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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