Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
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Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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