Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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