The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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