remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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