There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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