walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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