sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
