This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
