No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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