Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
