I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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