I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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