I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
