Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
