After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
