Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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