I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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