all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
