i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
