You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
