i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
