I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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