Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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