I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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