I should be sponsored by Trojan
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
