She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
