i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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