She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
