Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
even my farts smell like vagina
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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