so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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