If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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