a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
