FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
