foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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